From Rock Bottom to Purpose: Finding Soul Alignment After Everything Falls Apart

What does it actually feel like to be in alignment with your soul?

Not perfect.
 Not easy.
 But real, grounded, and deeply earned.

In this episode of Relentlessly Authentic, we dive into a raw and emotional conversation as I sit down with my co-host, Gabriela Verduzco, and explore her story—one of pain, accountability, healing, and ultimately, purpose.

Gaby opens up about her past, including her experience with incarceration, and the ripple effect it had on her life and her family. We talk about the weight of guilt, the stories we carry, and what it really looks like to take responsibility for your life—without letting it define you.

This isn’t a story of perfection or “having it all figured out.”
 It’s a story of becoming.

Of facing the emotional toll of your past…
 choosing to forgive yourself…
 and doing the hard, honest work of breaking cycles.

We also explore what it means to find your path through the very things that once tried to break you—and how self-discovery, truth, and resilience can lead you into a life that feels aligned, meaningful, and yours.

Because soul alignment doesn’t come from avoiding your past—
 it comes from walking through it, owning it, and choosing who you become because of it.

If you’ve ever felt defined by your past, struggled to forgive yourself, or wondered if you can truly change your life—this conversation is for you.

Your past may shape you—but it doesn’t get to decide who you become.

Join Rachael this Sunday April 12th, 2026 for Yoga, Pilates & Picnic —your new favorite ritual. 

Yoga. Pilates. Picnic. Coffee. Pastries. Sunshine. Connection. Community. 

Need I say more?

🎟 https://events.humanitix.com/pilates-picnic-in-the-park-a9wfshq5

Find Rachael on Instagram @highvibeyogii

Find Gaby on Instagram @rising.monarca and @gabrielafverdusco on Tik Tok 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:26

I know, Gab. How are you feeling? We just launched, and here we are. Like, I don't even know what episode this is, but welcome back to Relentlessly Authentic.

SPEAKER_03 0:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 0:39

I'm just, I'm just feeling so like my heart is so full.

SPEAKER_02 0:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

So full. So full. And just like um, like I said, just so much gratitude, so much gratitude for life, for you, for me, for us, for for this journey, for this journey, and to see um it's growing, evolving, and just I don't know, I don't really have any words. Like it's just it it's a feeling, you know? It's a feeling.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

I completely agree because I have felt like the last two days of like being having a lot of like serendipitous moments and um feeling very much in soul alignment. And like that's not it's hard to describe that in words. Like you said, it's more of a um, and I just feel very like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be, and then this is like what we're meant to be doing right now. And like that's a very soul, like I have goosebumps, right? Like there's a lot of energy when you feel like you're on the right path and you're doing the project that like you're meant to be doing. When I think in this world, at least for me, it's like, oh, I could put my focus here and I want to do this and I want to do that, and like I want to start posting more and I want to do that. But like for it feels really good to be like, oh, this is like this is a focus for us.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

Yeah. And I think like it's something that even a couple months ago, we we started. I mean, we started doing this months ago, but I'm saying like even a couple months ago or even like a month ago, it was not something that I thought, like, I don't know, it's just like, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing, you know? Like it would have like it never dawned on me before, you know? It's crazy. Like that this was not in the plan, you know? It was it was more like a hobby, and now it's just like really become like something, and it's happened in the last three weeks, I think, where I'm like, no, I want my fucking heart and soul into this. Like, this just feels like this is exactly where I need to be, you know, with you. And it's just crazy, you know, to it's like a full 360, you know?

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

Um, going from like, uh, yeah, I like coaching, but like, do I want to coach this? Do I want to coach that? Like, where do I want to coach? Like, almost like you don't really fit exactly anywhere, but this fits, you know.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

Yeah, but I feel the exact same way, right? Like, all like the this is like, what's your niche? What are you gonna do? Like, what's your specific thing that you're gonna be known for? And I'm just like, I don't fucking know. Like, that's really hard for me to like put my I I don't want to be put in a box. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Me too. Like, I want to do everything.

SPEAKER_02 3:13

I know that feels like suffocating for me. And so it is this this is this is lighting me up. This is the thing that I'm really excited for. And I feel like it's gonna build a lot of like self-know and trust with our people, our audience, our tribe, the people who are listening, and that feels like there's momentum and fire underneath. And I attribute that to like both of us, right? It's it's as I've been like reflecting back, I'm like, Gabby just asked me to like do this podcast with her, and we just like started doing it, and now it's oh yeah, this is what we're supposed to be doing.

SPEAKER_03 3:49

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. Like, it's like, wow, like okay, like all the years of me questioning, you know, like what is my purpose? What is my purpose? And finally, like, I don't even have a question anymore, you know? It's just like there's just no doubt. And I think that that's like now I really feel like this is why I needed to go to Yes Supply to meet you, you know, to connect with you so that we would connect and and you know, we would connect and and have this bond. And and who would have thought it would be from thousands of miles away, you know? And that's why my sister moved over there, you know, so that I could go over there and connect with you in person. And it's just like so many correlations now that I'm like, like, yes, like you like for the for anybody that's watching or listening, like this is what it's like to trust, you know, and this is what divine timing looks like, you know. This is this is exactly what it's like to just trust and and not be so fixated on I need to do this and I need to make more videos and I need more followers and I need we are just putting this out there, and it's been overwhelming to see the amount of support we are getting. I cannot express how much I am just in feeling the love and support from people that I don't even know really, you know, people that I didn't even expect to support us. People have been reaching out and just saying how proud they are, you know, of us and how inspiring it is, and how people relate to the whole weight stuff, you know, which we both have been through and the whole incarceration stuff, you know, all of these things that for me I've hid in a closet for so long because I didn't want to talk about it because they're they're tender, you know, there are parts of me that are tender, they're parts of me that um that I guess have kept me small, you know? And seeing that no, you really have to talk about these things so that other people can feel uh strong to talk about it too, and also to see like that we we've changed our life. We made that choice and we changed our life and that they can do it too.

unknown 6:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:04

And if they need anything, like we're right here, ask questions and seriously, ask questions, leave comments. We will be happy, more than happy to answer them and connect with everybody. That's what we're here for. We're here to be of service, and it just feels so aligned, so aligned. Great.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

I know. And it's it's Gabby, it's I think it's like the the things we're so scared or like vulnerable to talk about. I don't know, I feel like have the most power and the most depth and magic and the most, I'm at a loss for words, but like I feel like Gabby, like hearing your story, and we're gonna dive into that and diving more into our story and having this journey kind of ahead of us. It's like those things that we're embarrassed about, we feel vulnerable about, that are difficult to talk about, are so have so much richness to them. Like they make us who we a huge part of who we are. And so, you know, there's just like you have, I I was telling a friend Gab, I was like, I just love how Gabby has so much conviction and how she speaks. And to to think of like, I didn't know you in that time, but to like be where you are now, and even like, oh, I don't know when we met. I don't know what year that was. Maybe three years ago was yes supply. Yeah. It's like about right. But like to even see where you were then and to where you are now in a very short amount of time, three years is three years, right? But like there's been fucking like quantum leaps. And that doesn't mean that like we're we are where we want to be, right? Like we're still on a journey of where we want to go in life and who we're supposed to become. But I believe this like this podcast is a part of our journey and our becoming. And I just think it's so cool that we get to bring people along for that ride, you know, that our magic can then inspire someone else to go on their own journey. And I really want it to feel like it's like this community, like up-leveling. Like if we can fucking do it, this is not, this is meant for everyone to know that they can up-level their life, that they can step into who they really are and to not feel so lonely, I think, on that journey when it can feel, I think, very lonely.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

Yeah, absolutely. And and just to put a little bit of context out there, like we didn't know what the fuck we were doing. Okay. Like, just just uh as far as like the content goes and and the apps and the editing and the, you know, we we just fuck like honestly, in my perspective, I just thought, oh, we're gonna record a Zoom and then we're just gonna upload it to Spotify. That's all, that's how easy it's gonna be. And can I tell you, like the last, I don't know, month of editing of all these things behind the scenes. I'm like, holy shit, what did I get myself into? Because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I watch so many YouTube videos, tutorials to try and help, you know, and and I have like a newfound respect for people that do content because it just looks so easy. It just looks so easy, you know? And I'm like, I don't know what the hell I was doing. And I'm just really proud of us for like sticking with it and not giving up, you know, and and just and just getting through through that part too, because I think there were several moments when I was like, uh-huh, like maybe we just need to get a virtual assistant, you know, and have somebody do it for us. But no, I'm like, One day, I do believe that, yeah, I do believe that like if we want something to be successful, if we want a business to be successful, like we have to be willing to do the things that we are asking others to do too. Yeah, it's a big part of it. But yeah, I think like I said earlier, I really give credit to all my struggles and all my shadows because they are responsible for me being where I am today, right? They really are. My my weight journey, um, the whole journey with um being sick, you know, or or being diagnosed, you know, and having surgery and going through that. And then I mean, I by far the biggest was being incarcerated, right? That that whole struggle um really humbled me on a different level. But I think without those obstacles, I would never be who I am today. Ever, ever, ever, ever. So I am grateful for those experiences, for sure. Because it's almost like, you know how when you go to get your eyes checked, there's like they like do all these things where they put all these different lenses. So it feels like all these lenses have been removed. And I they're not all gone yet, right? But for the most part, I'm starting to see very clear what my path is. You know, I'm starting to see very clear what my path is and what my soul is aligned with. And I don't know, I just know the only and I I don't know what's gonna come of it. And I'm not worried about it either. I just know that you're gonna be right there with me.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

Gap. Gab, gab, gap. Um, I I wanna thank you for being on the journey with me. And like from the bottom of my heart, I and I've been like texting you like I'll have these very like clear moments that come through where I'm just like, I we're just exactly where we're meant to be. And I'm really happy to be doing it with you. And I believe in you, and I your heart is so uh big and pure. And um, that really inspires me. And I I want to thank you, Gab, because like you're doing and what you were speaking into of like this is has not been easy. Like, this is actually kind of hard to like put all these little pieces together, but that's a part of the growth journey, right? But without you and like having someone kind of in our corner and like I've got your back, you've got my back, it would be a very hard project to like do this completely on like start this completely on your own because we kind of keep each other accountable, we keep each other excited, you know, we're like in it together. And that feels like a co-creation in that way. And I'm really just like thankful and grateful to be doing it with you. And I've just been thinking that these past few days. So, you know, it just it inspires me. It I'm also very proud of us. And, you know, sitting in garage band for like two hours trying to edit like the intro music to then like find this, what we're on right now, which is called Riverside, and be like, oh, I could just press the plus button, that here, and add the outro here and like what it took me two hours to try to figure out in garage band. It took me five minutes. And I'm just like, I'm like again, like sitting there on YouTube, like how I fade out the music in Garage Man to just find this and it's much easier. But it's like it's almost more rewarding when it would there when you did have struggle, because then you're like, you hear it and you're like, oh my god, I made this thing and like I'm so fucking proud of it. And it's just I was driving with the windows down yesterday, and I'm like, holy shit, I'm listening to my podcast, like in my car, fucking jamming, like so excited. I love listening to the intro music. I'm like, wow, this is this is powerful.

SPEAKER_03 13:01

And I do you know how many people have sent me pictures of them in their car with or videos of them listening to like that? Just lights me up. Yeah, I have a fr I had a friend that did it, he sent me a picture, and then it's actually uh one of the the guy that I was telling you that I want to bring on. His name's Will.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 13:22

And then my like my cousin, she was like, send me a picture. She was listening to it, just so many people. And then when I got in the car, my cousin picked me up yesterday. And when I got in her car, she was listening to it. So we and I didn't even realize it until we were driving off because we were talking until we were driving off, and then we stopped at a light and it was quiet. And I heard your voice. And I was like, wait, are you listening to my podcast? She's like, Yeah, I was listening to it. And I was like, Oh my gosh, this is it was just so crazy, like surreal, right? To listen to us in a car on a radio, you know? I was like, oh my gosh, it was it was crazy. It is crazy. I was like, wow.

SPEAKER_02 14:01

And like I I again, I I think we as I'm reflecting back on this process, is like, if you, if we can do it, other people can do it. But I also feel like it's very important that we get to be a permission slip for other people to really go after the things that they want. And if you're in a place where you feel stuck and you have these dreams and these aspirations or these knowings that you're meant for more, I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to like figure it all out and be like, why am I not there yet? But sometimes it's just being a redirection.

SPEAKER_03 14:36

And it's and it's a redirection.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

For sure. But it's being like present in the moment that actually maybe you're where you're meant to be.

SPEAKER_03 14:42

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Even though it might be longer than you want it to be. But what if this season of life is gearing you up for exactly where you're meant to go? And to not let the perfection of like, I don't have an audio mic yet, right? Or we don't have a nice webcam yet. But we're still putting this together and we're still putting it out there. And and a part of all of this is just the growth that comes along with it and how proud you are of yourself to go after that and just like put yourself out there, allow yourself to be seen and allow yourself to be heard and to believe in that message enough to know that it's worth speaking into. And the only person I really feel like that holds ourselves back is ourself. And that's where the work is. So if you're like holding yourself back from going after something that you really want, like that's a doorway into that. There's something within yourself that is calling you to accept to love and forgive yourself and work through it because who you come out on the other side to be is like a gift to fucking humanity, right? It's like your energy becomes a privilege to be around and to magnetize and attract and alchemize. And that is so fucking powerful, regardless of the trials and the struggles that built you into who you're meant to become. Like, like I said, if we can do it and we can get to this place, like and empower ourselves, like start this and go after it and work through the perfectionism and work through the judgment or the not enoughness or the self-belief. I just like really want to encourage people that like you can also go after something that feels soul aligned for you. But I think getting into soul alignment and trusting and having faith is like a big part of the journey. So what up, y'all? I hope you're loving the episode. But before we continue, I want to invite you to something really special. If you've been craving a softer Sunday with some slower mornings, a movement that actually feels so good in your body, and just being around other women who get it. I'm hosting a Yucalati and a picnic in the park this Sunday in Raleigh. It's a feel good flow with a little bit of coffee, pastries, and the kind of connection that reminds you that you're not meant to do life alone. This isn't just a class, it's a community event. So grab your spot through the link in the show notes. Come solo, come with a friend that I would love to meet you in real life. This will be located in Raleigh, North Carolina. And let's get back to the show.

SPEAKER_03 17:29

That's just my I don't know. Yeah, I absolutely agree with you, Rach. I think that we get in such a like mode that we feel right, it goes back to like the conditioning and the programming, like that I should be doing something right now or I should be being productive right now. And what about if right now you just need to be still? You just need to be still. Because when you're still, lots of things come, you know? Yesterday I met with Alexa, her name is Alexis. Shout out to Alexis. She's she was the one who guided me last year through an eight-week mushroom journey. And I started the journey uh a couple weeks ago again, and I met with her yesterday for a little bit, and she was just really taken back. She said, from last time to this, from last year to this year, she said, even in just the way I speak, not my vocabulary, but just like my tone of voice. She's like, she says, last year it just felt very like like, you know, lots of frustration, lots of chaos, very like tumultuous and and just like just a lot going on. She's like, but this time around, you just feel like she's like, there's just like a calmness. She's like, your energy's just different. Your energy's just different. She's like, you just she says, I think this year, and remember, this year was last year was the year that like I really lost my community, right? Remember, we like I I left that community and I didn't have anyone. I was by I've been by myself. And we talked about how important that was, that journey has been to just sit with yourself, like realize that we get caught up in this, in this phase where we're like, oh, and I want to try this and I want to try that, and I want to do this, and I want to do this, and I and this and this and that, and we want to do everything. And we don't allow ourselves to have the time for integration. And when you don't have the time for integration, you don't retain anything. And you can't put things in practice, or you can't, you can't practice things you're learning. You don't know this last yeah, this last year, I didn't have a community, so I didn't really, and that and where I live, it was like the only place that does that is spiritual like this. You know, there's not too many places. So I didn't have the events to go to, I didn't have the full moon ceremonies, I didn't have the new moons, I didn't have the women's circles. So I found myself, and I we've talked about this, feeling extremely lonely at times. But what I realize now is that it is really necessary for us to have those moments, that time period where it's just us, because that teaches us that we are very capable of navigating through these difficult times. We are very capable of being our own support, having our own back. And in those moments, in that year, I learned so much about myself. I learned how strong I am, I learned how resilient I am. I learned how I can get through things on my own. I don't need other people's validation or input on how to heal. Like you've said so many times, you have to go through it. Can't go around it, can't go over it, under it, nothing. You have to go through it and sit with it. Sit with that pain, sit with that loneliness, sit with the because it teaches you something. Teaches you being in stillness teaches you so much about yourself. Things come up, right? Things come up and you're like, hmm, maybe this is what this is what that means, or that's what this means. And there's a reason for everything is a re there's a reason for everything. We just sometimes don't see it because we get caught up in in like, but this is what I should be doing. Because I did that so much last year. I was like, but this is what I should be doing, even with my job, right? In the afternoon, like I've tried, I tried for so long to find a full-time job doing working with the kids, right? And I just wasn't able to find a job doing that until finally I'm like, why? Why can I? And this is why, right? You are why. This is why. Yeah. I see that now. This is why, because I needed that time. I needed that time to myself. I needed, I need to go through that to realize that that is just not where I'm supposed to be. And I am such a hard headed person that if things are not this hard, I won't, I won't see it, you know? And I'll just fight for doing that. I'll fight for that. So things have to be really hard for me to wake up and be like, oh, this is why, you know? Gosh, just like being in car. Incarcerated, you know, I would have never learned my lesson ever if I would not have gone. Not only did I go, was I incarcerated, but I had an opportunity to go to like a it's called the sheriff's work program where I was able to be released and I had an ankle bracelet and I was able to go out and take the bus and go to culinary school and do these things with an ankle bracelet on for a time period. But even then I was complaining. I was like, this sucks. Da-da-da-da-da. You know, I wasn't being grateful for the fact that I had it way better than so many other people in there. Because like the amount of people, I think it there's like a total of like 10 people that get the opportunity when you're incarcerated to be in this program. Out of hundreds and thousands of women, right? I was one of those women. And yet still I was fucking complaining. Not just that. On Sundays, my family would be able to come and visit me. They would be able to bring me home cooked food. We could eat together. I was able to hold my babies on Sunday. Like, think about how much of a gift that is for people that are incarcerated. And I was complaining. So the universe is like, you're complaining? No, no. Things have to be really hard for you, boo. Okay, so you're gonna go set get sent back. And I got sent back like maybe a month or two later. We got into trouble in there and we got I got sent back. I got sent back to the regular place. And I lost all my privileges. I wasn't able to see my kids anymore. I wasn't able to touch them. I wasn't able to eat any delicious food. I was eating slop. I wasn't able to, you know, talk to them and see I mean, uh in the other place I was able to see different family members, not just my kids, right? My aunts, my uncles, my mom, my dad, like everybody. And I was not able to do that anymore. All of those things got stripped away from me. I had to go back and be in a cell, right? In a tiny little cell with one other person. And that was a really big reality check. You know, being there. And when I got sent back, it was right before my kids' birthdays. And I remember there's there's one memory that will I will never forget is my son, my older son, was he was gonna turn 10. And it was in June. And I had just gotten sent back. And I think he was pretty disappointed. He was pretty disappointed because now they had to see me behind a glass, right?

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Right.

SPEAKER_03 24:25

And use like a phone speaker to talk to me and stuff. And when I got out, my sister-in-law told me, you know, Junior, for his birthday, I told him I'll take him anywhere to eat. And he told me he just wanted to eat Taco Bell. And I was like, really? He's uh she's like, yeah. She says, but he really surprised me because um I asked him, okay, you want Taco Bell and what do you where do you want to you want to go back home? And he's like, no, I want you to drive me to where my mom is. And they sat in the parking lot of where I was, and that's where they ate their dinner, and he had his his his Taco Bell and a cupcake and whatever, you know, because that was the closest he could be to me. And I just thought, wow, this is a 10-year-old. And I thought the amount of trauma that I because we're selfish, right? We don't pay, we don't think about these things when we're doing these the things that we're doing, right? And I thought, wow, the amount of trauma I must have I must have caused um him, you know, at age 10 to think that like he he needed to be there, right, for his birthday, just to be close, the closest he can possibly be to me. And I thought, man, you in that moment I realized how like I wasn't even paying for a lot of the consequences. It was them. It was the people that I most love in this world that paid the biggest price for my actions. And I think, Rach, that has been the biggest lesson in all of this is watching my kids, watching them have abandonment issues, right? Watching them struggle with uh just lots of PTSD, you know, lots of anxiety. My daughter has anxiety, you know, um, not to mention regression that happened with my younger one. And obviously my my baby, right? My little girl. She was she was three months old when I was remanded in court. You know, I was breastfeeding. Um, and she doesn't remember any of it, but I missed her first everything. Her first everything rage. I can never get that back. Ever, you know? I could never ever get the those moments back. I was never there to see her walk. I was never there to see her crawl. I wasn't there for her first birthday. I wasn't there, just so many milestones.

SPEAKER_02 26:39

Gab, how long were you how long were you incarcerated for? I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 26:42

It was it was maybe 48 months, something like that. I don't I don't remember the exact time. It was a long time. It was a long time. It was not no, no, no, not that long. Okay. 24. Two years, three years? Yeah, maybe maybe a couple years. Wow. I don't even remember. I know my sentence was, I think, 48 months. And that that I remember. That's why that number sticks with me. My sentence was definitely 48 months, but they give you um I had I had gotten arrested prior to that when they first when the findings first came out, and I was there, I was in jail for a while before I was let out for, you know, for like bail or whatever. So they gave me credit for those days too. And I think they count the day and the night as each each one day. So it I don't know, it was something like that, but it was a long time. The point is that I was it was a long time for me. It was a long time for my kids because especially for them, because all they ever knew growing up was me, right? And during that time I wasn't really working much because I was just home with them all the time because they were all so young, right? The first three were only two of them were only a year apart, the other two were two years apart, and then I had my little one, you know? So they were all very, very young. So I was home with them.

SPEAKER_02 28:04

Can I ask you a question? And you don't have to answer feel comfortable, but like, what did you go to jail for? What did you do if you don't mind talking? And then, like, who was that person who was led to like take those behaviors and those actions compared to where you are now? I think that would be really interesting to talk into.

SPEAKER_03 28:22

So I was in jig my felonies are grand theft and burglary.

SPEAKER_02 28:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 28:27

And um the person that I was then wow, wow, I want nothing to do with those kinds of people, you know? Um, I was such a shallow person then. I was very materialistic. I was very greedy, very greedy. Yeah, I'm not gonna say it was all greed. It was a lot of I was at the point when that point in my life, my kid's dad wasn't working. He had been injured, so he wasn't working. So I was the sole provider of my household.

SPEAKER_02 28:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 28:58

When I first started when I first got into trouble. And then I felt like I needed to to make get find ways to get money, right? And then it just became a like I saw how easy it was to to just take from people, right? Steal and do these things. And I thought, oh, this is easy, you know, and I continued to do it for an extended period of time.

SPEAKER_02 29:20

And I um Is this like stealing from someone's house? Is this like stealing from Target?

SPEAKER_03 29:26

What was No, no, no, no, no. It was it was from a place that I worked. A place that I worked, yeah. Um, and I was taking money, I was taking cash um a lot, a lot. And it got to a point where I had a lot of money in my account. And when I got to that point, I remember feeling like I started having dream nightmares. I started getting very paranoid. And I just remember feeling like the I remember the day the the detectives went to look for me to my house. I wasn't there. They called me on my phone and I didn't answer. I saw the number and then I saw they left a voicemail, so I listened to the voicemail and it was like, we want to talk to you about da da da. We just want to talk. I felt so done with who I was at that point that I called them back, right? And I said, I'm here, come get me. And they came back.

SPEAKER_02 30:21

And stealing gap from wherever you work.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

Gosh, um, maybe a year and a half.

SPEAKER_02 30:28

Did anyone know? Or did you just nobody knew? No one knew.

SPEAKER_03 30:32

People people were very suspicious because it wasn't I wasn't very smart about it. Like, and I and that don't like this doesn't justify anything, but I wasn't the money wasn't for me always, you know. I I helped a lot of people. Did I did help a lot of people in my family who were just going through stuff, right? And I would just give money away a lot.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:57

Or give they needed a blender, I'd buy them a blender. Their car was not working, so I'd pay for their car to get fixed, like hundreds and thousands of dollars.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

Hundreds of thousands.

SPEAKER_03 31:07

Yeah. Or just thousands. No, like the restitution that I owe is three hundred and seventy thousand dollars.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

Holy shit. Because that's what you took.

SPEAKER_03 31:16

But no, no, no. No, it's it's just like fees and interest, and I think the total they said I took on paper was like $80,000.

SPEAKER_02 31:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 31:26

You know, that's what they said. That's what they said. I don't know, somewhere around there. But there is a lot of things that I got accused for that I didn't do. Like they ended up they ended up saying that I stole a boat. They ended up saying that I stole some paintings, that I stole jewelry, which I did not, I did not, I do feel that these people worked there. So I know that their insurance covered up to $400,000 in insurance fraud. So I really feel like they kind of did their own scam to try and get to $400,000 as much as possible. And I wasn't in a position to get a really good attorney or anything. My dad, I think the toughest part of all of this rage, the part that sticks with me the most is the part of my kids and my dad when I was doing so. We went through something very similar with my mom when I was younger. When I was in my teens, my mom was incarcerated.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 32:22

Yeah. Um, and I remember, I remember telling her, I will never do this to my kids. Oof, that even now, just like, you know. So when I did that, and and I remember my dad telling me so many times. My dad, I think, felt like I was doing something shady because he talked to me several times. And he was like, What are you doing? Like, what's going on? Like, please, you know, don't get into trouble. He's like, I've already been through this with your mom. Like, I can't, I wouldn't be able to take it to see you. And I'd be like, Don't worry. And he'd be like, Okay, make you promise me you're not doing anything. And I'd be like, No, I'm not.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

Yeah. Were you in denial yourself?

SPEAKER_03 33:03

No. I wasn't, I just didn't want anybody to know because I knew that if anybody knew, they were gonna be an accomplice to everything I did. So not even my my husband, you know, knew um then. Um, but they there were people questioning it. There were my sister, my dad, because it was just like, where's all this money coming from?

SPEAKER_02 33:25

You know, and so you're what was your mom incarcerated for? For fraud. For fraud.

SPEAKER_03 33:30

Yeah. Um and finally came into you. Do you think I think a lot of it is learned behavior? I do. I do. And um, I see that now that I've learned all of this stuff, right? Which is why it's been so important for me to totally change who I am so that my kids don't have the same upbringing, right? Don't struggle with the same things I struggled with. But what I was gonna say was that my dad, when I finally got caught in everything and needed an attorney, I didn't know how to pay for any of this. He took out his entire retirement. His entire retirement, almost a hundred thousand dollars, you know, to pay for restitution, to pay for an attorney. And that shit, like, that shit hurts even now, you know? That I and I know like I'm I would do it for my kids, right? But seeing my dad now, you know, being at the age he's at, and the moments he tells me, like, I just don't have any money. I just don't have any money, you know, especially when I've been in a financial place where he just feels so helpless and he wants to help me more. And when he tells me he doesn't have enough money, it really like the guilt sink sinks in, you know? Yeah. Because he worked so hard for that money, you know. He he worked like over 30 years in construction. He commuted from Stockton to Milpitas, which is like a three and a half hour drive every day to work, you know, to have retirement. And in one moment I blew it, you know. And that's really hard, you know, that's really hard to get over and to forgive myself for. Um, especially now that he's gotten older and more frail, you know, like like there's a big part of me that just really wants to make money so that I could give that back to him so he doesn't have to worry about it. Um, and that's why anytime I am in a struggle, I really refrain from asking him for anything because I've already taken so much. I've already taken so much, you know, and um I'm grateful for these things because I feel like dealing, um, having that guilt because of that. And then the the whole stuff with my kids, you know, I have very vivid, vivid memories, Rachel. Um, the day was my daughter's first birthday, and they did my daughter's first birthday and my older daughter's birthday together because they're both in April. The day was her first birthday, my sister-in-law brought my daughter to see me that day so I could say happy birthday. And one of the COs there, Miss Smith, she was so cool. Yeah, you know, she let me come and see her, you know, see my daughter. And she actually opened the door of where it's the visiting where you get to see your attorney. So you get to be, you get to touch. And she opened the door and she let me hug my daughter. And that was so hard because when she was leaving, she said, Are you coming to my birthday? And she was five. And I said, No, I can't be there. I'm sorry. And she's like, But I promise I'm gonna be a good girl. She said, I promise I'm gonna be a good girl, mommy. I promise I'm gonna listen. Can you please just come? And I just said, Baby, this has nothing to do with you being a good girl. You know, I said, I just can't. I have to stay here, you know. And my cousin, my cousin, my sister-in-law, had to take her and she was crying and she was like, I don't want to go, please. That was so hard, Rach. Those those memories, like I can't imagine what my daughter was feeling in those moments being ripped away from me, right? Um, I almost felt in that moment that it was probably better for that to have never happened because it was just harder for her to go, you know? And then I remember going back inside and I was crying a lot. Um, and the CO told me, Um, are you gonna be okay? And I said, Yeah. And I remember these girls coming back. And I told as as I was sitting there, they were coming back, and she turned and she said to them, Welcome back, ladies. Your suite's waiting for you. Um, and I just looked at her and I thought, Why are they back here? Like they just left a couple weeks ago. Why are they back? And she said, she told me, she's like, those are the kind of people that will always come back. And she said, Do you want to know the secret to never come back? And I said, Yeah. And she said, This feeling that you're feeling right now, don't ever forget it. Don't ever forget what this feeling feels like right now. That your daughter's crying, that you she left, that you're not there for their birthdays. Don't ever forget it. She's like, and if you never forget that, you'll never come back. And so that conversation has stuck with me all these years, Rach. The moments, especially the moments that I've had financial struggle. God, the universe has the ability to give me a front row of that moment because there has been moments of desperation where I want to do stuff that is not okay to do just to pay the bills.

SPEAKER_01 38:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:24

You know, and I immediately those moments, that moment pops up, and I'm like, no, because I'll take any bad day out here over any good day in there. And immediately I go out, I get up, and I go outside. And I'm in nature and I just ground myself because I that helps me remind myself how lucky I am to have my freedom, how lucky I am to go outside, to touch the tree, to see the flowers, you know, see my kids, hug them, touch them, you know, immediately like that's the redirection I need, you know, to be like, no, like yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:57

But I have I think that's an interesting what you said there of like being desperate. I think anyone can have a desperate moment and have and out of that desperation behave in a way because it's like a it's you're in survival, right? And like that survival desperation makes you do things that you feel like you have to do almost in order to survive to keep going. Um I I think that's a very hard lens to look through when it can be very easy to judge people and be like, wow, you're a terrible person because you did XYZ or you treated your kids like this. And it takes a lot more, I don't know, compassion. It takes a lot more understanding, it takes a lot more humanity to look at a situation and not judge it like from the cover, right? And we always, there's that expression like we don't judge don't judge a book from its cover. But we all are, I think that's the inherent first thing to do, unless we train ourselves differently, to look at things from a broader perspective, to see and like hear someone's story as to what led them to where they were. What brain, like what things from childhood, what brainwave state were they in, what mindset were they in? What how were they feeling in their body? What things did they experience? What trauma did they have in their life? You know, I think we think of things as, and you talked about this in the first episode, Gav, because I just listened to it. It's like we think in very black and white terms. And I I think that is one of our biggest downfalls because the reality is, the reality is that life is gray. There is no, I don't, in my opinion, I really don't think there's black and white. I think there is gray. I think a lot of things are very grayed area, and we like to put things in boxes of black or white because it makes us it's easier than having to do like then actual internal processing and the internal pausing and grounding and reflection and redirection of our own internal thoughts to see that there's so much more of a scope of our humanity that is way beyond like the tagline punchline of like some marketing magazine. You know what I mean? That we like to easily put onto all these different types of people that we come in contact with. And that the story is so much broader than what we are sold, right? And all of the things that we are sold is like this easy. I'm gonna hook you, I want your attention, uh, you know, the judgment, the, you know, it's a lot harder to pause and to uh actually listen and be present with someone's actual story and their full scope of their humanity because it's it's easier to just do the judgment.

SPEAKER_03 41:50

It's easy, it's just quicker, it's faster, it's like you've already made your decision since the very beginning. Like people talking, you're no longer like really hearing them, you know, because you've already made your decision. You're already like, nope, she's a felon. And I can't tell you, Rach. I'm serious, I can't tell you. I just had an interview with someone for like this mother's helper, like just to pick up more hours. I was willing to do this mother's helper job, just help moms like do errands, kind of like a personal assistant. And there was this lady on Facebook advertising that she just started this company in the city where I live, right? I was like, oh, I can do this. So I interviewed with her over Zoom and we went over my background and she was like, oh my gosh, you'd be a great asset. Uh I already have three families that I think you'd be great with. Like, I'm gonna send them, you know, send me your resume. You you'd be good. Da-da-da-da-da. She's like, okay, so now we just have to do the background check and this and this and that. And I was like, okay, I was like, uh, I'm gonna be transparent with you. I said, I I like to be transparent with people. I said, and I really want you to know that I was incarcerated. I was like, for and she didn't even let me finish, Rach. And she was like, I can't work with you. I'm sorry. She's like, there's just no way. Just there's just no way. She's like, you should have started with that. I'm sorry. She's like, I don't want to waste your time and I don't want to waste mine. She's like, I just can't work with you. Thank you for your time. And she hung up. And I was like, Gab, there was a moment right there when I was like, I felt like a convicted felon.

SPEAKER_02 43:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 43:17

You know, for that moment, I and everything came back. You know, the amount of times I've had to move, the the struggle of not finding a job because of my background check, the struggle of not getting an apartment, the struggle of being criticized by family members, you know, the just all my struggles and all my shame and guilt because I think that I lived there for so long, right? In shame and guilt, that it's so easy for me to go back to that place in a split second. And it really took a few minutes of me sitting there and being like, I am not this person. And this person is not gonna do this to me. I don't even know who she is. Like, who gives a fuck what she thinks of me, you know? And shame on her. Shame on her for judging people. Because who the fuck is she? We all have skeletons in our closets, you know? Just because yours haven't come out doesn't mean you don't got them. Yeah. And you know what? I was really proud of myself, I told myself, for for being transparent and saying, hey, this is who I am or this is who I was. I'm not she didn't I was getting there. I was trying to tell her like how long she didn't care to listen, like I like you just said, right? She right away formed a judgment and she was like, oh no, I'm not doing this. I'm not working with you, you know? And it's been, she's when was I remanded in 2011, I think. It's been over, it's been over 15 years, you know? And I realized how uh like how much I have to be so rooted in my truth to not let people like that take me back to that place.

SPEAKER_02 44:52

Yeah. But that's Gab, like that's so fucking inspiring. That's so fucking powerful that it and it sucks. And like what you're going through absolutely fucking sucks. And I'm I it hurts my heart to hear, right? But it's so, it's so inspiring and powerful because I don't think like you have expressed in like the stories that you've told where these people just go back to jail, because it's hard to do the fucking work. It's hard to talk to yourself like that and talk your yourself through that moment, right? It's hard to be like, actually, I'm not that person. And I've done a lot of work and I've done all of this work and and to not let that moment define you after you've heard, no, I'm not gonna give you this job. I, you know, you're a felon, all of those things for so long. And you're still here and you're still showing up and you're still trying and you're still talking yourself through it, and you have changed. It's it's it's inspiring is like not strong enough of a word, right? It it's it's incredibly, incredibly powerful. It's it's incredibly powerful. And I it it I'm hoping like with the podcast that we can shine a br a very bright light on how quickly we close the door, we we judge, we like to make things.

SPEAKER_03 46:17

Put people in a category, you know. Put people in a category. Yeah, put them in a category like, oh, you're this, you know, oh you're that. No, we are all of that. And we all are. We all are collectively. Like it's not just me, it's not just you, it's not just them, it's all of us. We are all human. Yeah, and because we are human, we are gonna make mistakes. We are gonna fuck up constantly. And just because nobody saw you do it doesn't mean you didn't fuck up. Yeah, you know? And and that's why I'm saying there's so much lack in this world of like authenticity and transparency. Nobody wants to talk about their shit, right? Nobody wants to talk about their shadows. But that's what we're here to do. We're here to talk about our stuff, you know? And this is why it's so important for me. Like this is, and you know this, this is so close to my heart. And I really, really want to achieve this goal of being able to go back to the prisons, go back to these prisons, to male prisons, to women prisons, and help the people that are gonna be released from prison in the next six months to help build them up, to help them integrate themselves back into society, to help them see that they are in charge of their life, right? And that they have the capacity to be able to change the narrative in their life. They can recreate themselves as many times as they want. They can leave these things behind. You know, they there is really hope, you know, because you leave there and you're just so like beaten down. Of course. You are so beaten down. You're constantly, they don't even use your name. You're identified as a number there. You know, every morning you get up at four or five in the morning and you stand outside your cell and you stand there like if you're in the military, and they go through and you just say a number. That's how you're you do attendance there, you know. You you say a number and that that's what identifies you. But I will say, being incarcerated, I learned a lot. Like, I think everybody in there really gets access to their creativity. Because like we made spreads, you know, we were so like creative, you know. Well, not we, because I was taught how to do these things, but for people's birthdays, they would use like they would order like these fake Oreos, off-brand Oreos, and they'd take the white part of the Oreo out and put it in a like a little bag. And then the dark part of the Oreo, they would separate it and they'd crush it and they'd make little cakes. And with the inside of the Oreo, they would write happy birthday on the little cakes, you know. Um, and then they'd make spreads like with these soups, they'd put chips and all this stuff, and we they put it in bags, the the cup of noodle soups, take it out of the cup, put it in bags, and we did have access to like a water, a hot water thing where we would use to make instant coffee every morning. That's all we had in there. And we'd put the bag inside the water so it would cook the soups, and we'd make like these big ginormous spreads that would taste like Doritos and hot Cheetos and all these crazy things, you know. And then there was these chips that I really like. They were called the whole shebang. They were like salt and vinegar, and I mean, there was there's experiences in there that I thought, wow, like these people really get creative, like this becomes their life. So they have to figure out ways to find joy in here, you know, to find ways to like how try and have a good time.

SPEAKER_02 49:47

I don't know. I just feel like two things. One, I feel like I want to go into, I think in the next episode, uh, how you built your self-esteem after leaving. How did we like what how did you actually do that? I think that would be really awesome to talk about and really interesting and a huge part, I think, of your journey. And then two, you know, it's this idea of Gabby, that like we have to, I think we all get stripped down at some point. And when we get stripped down to our actual humanity, is actually finding purpose and peace and fulfillment is actually in the very small mundane things. And I think we've got this before that I, you know, it's the I want to hold my kids, I want to step outside and know that like in the sea, the trees and the flowers and be present. It's actually the presence and this that the magic is. And I think sometimes we have to get so stripped down to like brass tacks and bare knuckles in whatever capacity the universe brings that to us, or we bring it on ourselves, you know, to get to the point where it's actually I don't need much to feel very at peace or very grounded or know who I am. It's like we have to strip everything down to get to the point where it's actually like these very mundane things. We we think of them as mundane, but the mundane is actually the most magical. And we let so much just there's so much that distracts us from the actual reality and the humanity and the truth that your your soul, your humanity, your peace, your purpose is is is really not that complicated. Right? It's like we have to strip all of the the bullshit away to get down to the truth of who we are and the truth of actually what makes us happy is really not that fucking complicated. But we have so much that we're desensitized to the fact that a lot of it is just stillness and and internal and love and joy, and and we can find that with pretty much not having much. And I just feel like that's kind of what you're saying at the end of that story is that you find ways to find the magic and to find the humanity in in not needing actually that much. And I sometimes I I truly actually feel that most of the time we're that like we're filling up ourselves with all with stuff, with food, with with whatever, with social media, because we're really fucking empty.

SPEAKER_03 52:24

Yeah. And it's a way to-you are absolutely you've like you hit it on the dot on the money, you know, because it's very true. We are looking for external things to give us joy because we cannot find it within ourselves, right? We are we are empty. And and what I I'm in a place now that, like I I've said it before, even though things on the external are falling apart are like really just, you know, very like lots of lots of stressors, right? Around me, I have found that sweet spot in me, right? I have found that sweet spot in me to find joy in the things that can never be taken from me, right? Like nature, even a warm cup of coffee. I literally sit there and I drink my first sip, and I'm just like, oh, this feels so good, you know, and I relish in that. And I'm like, thank you, thank you for this privilege, because it is a privilege. Think about how many places, how many people in other parts of the world don't have this privilege. Yeah. And food, my kids, the love, the hugs, right? The, the, the, the compassion, you know, see seeing other people smile, right? Seeing your smile. Like there's so much joy in that. And that's what I choose to grip to. Yeah. And that's and these things are free. And that's the that's the brain mind, the mind fuck, right? It's like all of these time. Time is free. Yes, it's yet it's priceless, right? Once it's gone, you don't get it back. Love, love is free, right? All of these things are free, joy is free. Like all of these things are here we are chasing things that cost thousands of dollars. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 54:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 54:08

You know? No, so I've learned to like turn the other direction. Right. And I'm now chasing these things, right? Looking for moments when people smile at me, when people say, have a good day. I've been chasing sunsets lately and sunrises. Like that's where my heart's at. I get up early, I go for a drive, and I wait. And do you know that it's like only two minutes it takes for you to miss that sunrise and that sunset? So I wait there. Sometimes I'm in the I'm in the freeway. There's cars just passing by, and I'm pulled over on the side of the road waiting for that shot, waiting to see that. And I'm just like jumping up and down, like, you know.

SPEAKER_02 54:47

That's priceless. And maybe we can chase some sunsets in Greece.

SPEAKER_03 54:51

Yeah. Yeah. So down.

SPEAKER_02 54:53

It's it's this, it's like the smallness of the moments. And like you said, it's the redirection of actually redirecting your attention, your energy, your focus on the things that actually are real and actually matter. There was this, I'm gonna leave you here, Gab, because I have to go. But like this video that I saw that this guy was like, if I would give you a million dollars, like $10 million, would you take it? And he was like, Yeah. And he was like, Well, what if tomorrow you didn't wake up? If I gave you the $10 million, would you still take it? And he said, No. And he's like, So you waking up tomorrow is worth $10 million. And he said, Yeah. Absolutely. You know, just to kind of keep, and that's what I mean to speak into like you're chasing your sunsets and your sunrises, and that's worth $10 million to you, right? Like that worth that you get to wake up and you get to do that, that's worth more than $10 million because you're still alive. And so what I take away is like the a big theme of today's podcast is like your life right now is present right here in this fucking moment. And how much are you gonna notice and take stock of and be grateful and be present that you actually are alive here in this fucking moment? And if you can't do that in your life, in your body, in your energy, like you said, that your friend noticed that you're more present and more at peace, then that's that's where you want to focus your attention because you're literally missing out on your the scope of your life and your aliveness if that isn't a part of your daily kind of practice, in my opinion.

SPEAKER_03 56:25

Right. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 56:27

But I gotta run, Gam. Here we are. I can't wait. Like I said, I really want the next episode to kind of talk about how you built your self-esteem back because I think that would be golden in a a really golden way to help people because I think a lot of people are on that that road. But I love you. Everyone, thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Gabby, thanks for telling us your story. I know that's not easy. I know that's vulnerable. All the times that you got choked up and is beautiful. And I value that so much. And thank you for your stories. They are amazing. And um, we'll catch you next time. Love you, Rach. Love you. Bye. Thanks, everybody. Tune in next time. What up, y'all? We are so thankful and excited that you're here. If you're loving the show, feeling the show, please think about sharing it with a friend who could also get something out of it. We're also asking for your help. If you could rate the show or write a review, that way we can grow and expand together. Reach the right people who need and are meant to hear this message. I know it's super easy not to do it, but every single rating and review helps this show grow so much. We appreciate it more than you know. Thanks so much for supporting Relentlessly Authentic. This is raw unfiltered conversations on healing, identity shifts, nervous system regulation, and the messy middles that crack you open and change everything. New episodes every Wednesday.