You’re Missing This in Self-Love: The Intimacy You Haven’t Explored Yet

What if self-love isn’t something you force… but something you return to?

In this episode of Relentlessly Authentic we explore the deeper layers of self-love, self-acceptance, and the kind of intimacy no one really teaches you—the kind you build with yourself.

Because this journey isn’t soft in the way people make it seem.
It’s raw. It’s confronting. It asks you to unmask, to release old wounds, and to meet yourself without hiding.

We talk about the discomfort of growth, the beauty of letting go, and the courage it takes to meet yourself fully—without judgment, without performance.

To sit with yourself.
To feel your body.
To be present with what’s actually there.

We explore what it means to come home to yourself—not just emotionally, but physically and energetically— and how your relationship with your body, your desires, and your sexuality can become something sacred.

Because self-love isn’t just mindset.
It’s intimacy.
It’s presence.
It’s the way you hold yourself when no one else is there.

The most intimate relationship you’ll ever have is the one you build with yourself— make it something sacred.

Find Rachael on Instagram @highvibeyogii

Find Gaby on Instagram @rising.monarca and @gabrielafverdusco on Tik Tok 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Alright, Miss Gab. Happy Sunday. Happy Sunday. Here we are, relentlessly authentic. Take two, episode two. You want to take a deep breath with me and close your eyes? Alright, let's drop in everybody. Inhale through the nose. Big exhale out the mouth. One more time, breath in.

SPEAKER_02 0:49

And breath out. Medicine for the soul. That felt so good.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

Alright, Miss Gab, what's your intention for today?

SPEAKER_03 1:03

My intention for today is to feel grounded. To feel back in my body. Feel a little tired. So just a little off balance, a little I don't feel like my chakras are totally aligned. And so just to feel a little bit more grounded, a little bit more like myself.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

I feel that. I like that embodiment piece right now. I feel that in terms of also feeling a little tired, a little not my normal vibrant self. So what a day to talk about self-intimacy, right? From the perspective of taking care of yourself and meeting yourself where you're at, right? Yeah. So the embodiment piece I feel like is probably gonna be a big part of this conversation. So what does self-intimacy mean to you?

SPEAKER_03 1:54

Oh my gosh, so many things. I think it means much less of what everybody else thinks it is than what it really is to me. Self-intimacy is something that's sacred, something that's mine that nobody can take away. It's a connection and a promise to me, to all the versions of me that have had to die to get to where I'm at. Self-intimacy is loyalty to me, is so many things, right? It's it's establishing safety within myself, right? Feeling safe to look at myself in the mirror, something that I couldn't do for so many years. Look at that person in the mirror and say, You're really beautiful. Not because of who you are in that reflection, but who I feel you to be internally at a soul level. Self-ist intimacy is really wrapped up in self-love, self-care, making sure that I'm taking care of myself and every single need. I'm eating, I'm exercising, I'm grooming myself, I'm having good hygiene, I'm getting myself ready, even if I'm not going anywhere. Because that is the promise I made to myself is that I wanted to feel good about who I was, and I need to do all these things in order to keep that promise to myself.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Gabby, that's so beautiful. And what do you think that what is that promise to yourself?

SPEAKER_03 3:45

To always embody who I really am, who I really am at a soul level, authentically, to always remember to embody that person, that version of me, regardless of what society, family, religion, anybody else has to say about who I am to stay true to me and the version of me that is in their like full divine feminine.

SPEAKER_01 4:13

Gab. I already feel like we've gotten into the embodiment, right? I it's like a relationship to your heart, right? Like a relationship to your soul and like a devotion to all the parts of yeah, devotion, exactly. I think it's devotion. For me, it's like being devoted. And I the reality is like you come in and out of it, right? You come in and out of, I feel like the masks that we wear, or the roles that we wear, or the fear, right, around having to kind of perform or show up or mold yourself kind of in certain ways to be accepted or be loved. And I think on the journey, you get truer and truer and truer and truer to like that devoted self. And then it becomes like self-harm when you're not showing up or not embodying that that devotion piece. But I think you you unlayer it, right? Like that version of who you are that you always want to be. But sometimes I feel like we can go make so much progress and regress. And I think you come in and out of that like really true place, depending on how stressed you are, or when you're around certain people, or maybe when you're at your job. And so I think for you and I, like in this space, like we really get to show up and express and be that version. And that feels even when like I heard you speaking, right? That really spoke to my heart. And we get to be in this space of like resonance of wow, this just feels so true and feels so good. And you I feel like once you get to that place, it's like you don't want to be in any spaces that isn't like that. Because it just feels so much more pure, if that makes sense, or more magical.

SPEAKER_03 6:01

Yeah. I mean, it's almost like you don't need anything else. Yeah, you don't need anything else. And it's not like that all the time. Let's be clear. It's not always fulfilling enough. I'm not saying that you don't need people in your life, because you do. You do. We've talked about how this journey can be very lonely at times, not because you don't have people in your life, but because the people in your life don't always understand where you're at and cannot meet you where you're at, right? But to have those moments where you feel at peace with who you are, there's just no value to put on that. It's priceless. To finally think, wow, it's taken me 46 years to get here to this place where I finally give zero fucks about what you think, what they think, what anybody thinks. Even my kids, even it just doesn't matter. Like it's and it's not you're not coming from a place of I don't care what you like, you're you don't you're not important enough, right? It's like coming from a place of I don't care, not because I don't love you or because you're not important. I don't care because this is just who I am. And you can have your opinion, but it's not gonna affect me in the way that it normally would have. That's what I mean by giving zero fucks, right? Is that everybody's always gonna have in judgment over us, but we finally have the discernment and have decided, made the decision that is not gonna define us anymore because we are so content and so at peace who we are with ourselves that nobody can come and fuck that up. Nobody.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

Except for you. You allow right.

SPEAKER_03 7:56

We have to allow it. We attach the meaning to those things. We always get upset with people for saying things or calling us names, but we are the ones that give those insults meaning. Because if somebody and even then, like I've gotten to the point where like somebody can say, she's such a bitch. I'll be like, Yeah, I guess I can be a bitch sometimes. I guess I can be a bitch sometimes. It doesn't really, it's not like I take offense to it. Oh my gosh, I'm a bitch. I'm like, oh yeah, I guess I can be a bitch. I guess because I think we all have these traits and being okay with all the parts of us.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 8:34

Accepting that.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

It doesn't trigger you to feel like there's something wrong with you. And that's what I hear. Is like it doesn't trigger you to feel like internally, like I can't love that part of me. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't trigger the defensiveness or the or the I have to prove, right? Or the arguing of you're wrong, right? It doesn't affect your heart and how you love yourself. So like you can agree, like you can like accept it or not accept it, depending on what that person's judgment or projection may be. Because the thing, Gabby, that I also love about like this kind of topic is people are gonna praise you and people are gonna have shit to say. And so if you give a meaning, and then you always need either the validation or you take the discredit or like whatever the judgment may be to heart, right? Again, it's like you're handing people your power. And in that way, you're giving that judgment, that person, that feeling more power over your sense of kind of self. But that's a that's a tough. We're not perfect, right? I obviously this is also there's so much nuance to all of this because there might be times where you are triggered, and then that's just something more that you need to look at yourself. But it is a sense of you're giving your power to that. But I also think like then that's a trigger for you and your nervous system, right? Then there's a wound there that needs to be healed, right?

SPEAKER_03 10:10

There's a wound it's an invitation. That's how I see the these things. When something does bother me, when somebody does something, I've learned to be able to be like, you're right, that did bother me. I'm gonna go home and think about why that bothered me. Rather than putting the blame on them, I say, thank you, you've given me something to think about. And I've I'm able to internalize that and be like, this is another opportunity to grow even further, to heal even more. Because why is this bothering me? Where does it come from? Where what is the root of this bothering me? It's really, like I said, it's an invitation to go further in rather than to be like, no, that's not true, or argue with them.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Yeah. I mean, then that's a healthy way of doing it. And like I think in that regard, Gab, like that develops your self-intimacy, right? That's exactly what we're talking about because it invites you to have a relationship with yourself, right? A relationship to all the pieces of you, not just like the pretty parts. That's essentially what self-intimacy is also about, because I think from that place, you also are able to like, and I I want to talk a little bit about your journey here because I'm very curious about it. But I think from that place is the only way you're really gonna get to the full spectrum of pleasure, right? So I feel like when we talk about self-intimacy, it's like we're talking about the pain that comes along and the pleasure that comes along from like having a relationship with yourself, right? And a relationship and being devoted to your heart and to who you be. I think there is the pain and there's the pleasure that comes to me. So how do you, how did how long do you feel like it took you on the healing journey to like really get to a place where things like you can take what someone says about you and almost like it doesn't, like it kind of rolls off of you, right? Like you can internalize what you feel like you need to internalize, but also let something roll off that maybe doesn't is a projection that someone has and you don't really feel like it to be true. But when you're doing the healing work, how did you really was there a certain tool? Or like how did you really get to that place? Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 12:30

Yeah. I think there's many tools that I've used to get here. It definitely took a long time. It's only been, I would say, a few months, maybe close to a year, where I finally have been able to be okay with that. And it happened without me even realizing it. It happened when I remember the day that I realized like things just didn't bother me anymore. Was one time my daughter came home from a family event, and she had been saying that some but some people were saying, making comments about me, and she was really upset by it. She was really like, But why do they have to talk about you? Why do they have to say this and say that? And she was really upset and she questioned why I wasn't upset. Because I was sitting there, I think we were eating popcorn or something, and I was like, and what else did they say? And I would like laugh when she would tell me, and she would be like, It's not funny. And I'm like, No, it is funny. And she's like, Why do you think it's funny? She's that's really mean. That's our family. And I'd say it's funny because it has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with me. I said, they're talking, I said, if they're talking about me and something has bothered, like my presence or me being me has bothered them, then it's something within them, right? That has shifted, my presence shifted, and then they don't realize that. So the only thing they can do is project and talk about me. I said, but it doesn't affect me. I said, Because I know that what they're saying isn't true. I know that's not who I am. You know that's not who I am. So do not let it affect you like that. And she just kind of looked at me and she's but still that's not nice. And I said, No, absolutely. That it's not nice. And I kind of took that moment to sit down and talk to her about this. I said, It's not nice. I'm not saying that this is nice of them, what they're doing. No. I said, but Validia in this life everybody that you come in contact with is not always gonna like you.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:52

I said, and it doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means that there's parts of themselves that is uncomfortable when you step into the room.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:06

For whatever reason is. It can be because you're good looking, it can be because of your energy, it can be because of your confidence, it can be because there's something in you that is missing in them. And that is a threat. So it causes triggers. I said, and you're gonna find this everywhere. I said, I in school, in workplaces, in parties, in family events. It's gonna be everywhere. I said, and it's up to you to let it bother you. It's up to you to allow it to define you. I said, but if somebody tells you, Valeria, you are acting like a dog. Or you're acting like a chicken, is that gonna bother you? No, she started up, she said, No. I'm like, because are you acting like a chicken? No. Okay, then why would it bother you? If somebody called you a name, why would it bother you if you know that's not who you are? I think so. As long as we are okay with who we are, none of that can bother us.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Yeah. I think getting but getting to that place is where the work is, right? Where to where you can you because I think it only bothers us when we feel like they're saying something that's actually true. So like when we have a when we have a trigger or we have a wound of someone saying something, even though it's it's not true, I think that's where the fear kind of responds can come up.

SPEAKER_03 16:37

It makes us question.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:39

Yeah, question who we're when we have doubt. When we have doubt of who we are, we're not confident in who we are and what our capabilities are, what our what we're here to do. It instills more doubt. And that's why we get offended. That's why we get all puffed up and are like, no, that's not who I am. But I don't feel that and it's such a gift to not feel that anymore. I mean, it's just it's I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wouldn't trade it for anything because once you have can establish that with yourself, you can be alone with yourself. You know, listen, and I said you can be alone with yourself, not by yourself. There's a difference with yourself. You can go with yourself to dinner, not by yourself to dinner. You can go with yourself, you can go with yourself to the mall, you can go with yourself anywhere and be happy, be content.

SPEAKER_02 17:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:42

Because you're no longer alone. Anything that happens, anything that might make you feel a little bit like I I got myself, I got myself, and there's so much power in that. There is so much power in feeling that way.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

Yeah. Well, it's peaceful, right? It's like you're at peace with yourself. And that's where we said earlier, no one can take that away from you. That is invaluable, right? That is yeah, you don't need much when you're at that at peace with yourself, right? You're so content and happy. You go through, I think, a lot of the pain and the wounds and the triggers to get to that place, right? That's oh yeah, that's the goal, right? And that's the goal. And then it almost makes you I don't know, feel bad. I don't know if that's like the right way of saying it, but it almost makes you feel bad because the people who are judging you are uncomfortable, it just is where their work is, right? You have a different sense of compassion almost for I remember being in that place, and that it's okay to be in that place, but it just means you've got some work to do because it it's a better relationship with yourself, right? Because you want that peace for them because it's a happier place to be, but it's a heart, right? Like you have to.

SPEAKER_03 19:07

Yeah, there's definitely a place of it definitely takes me to a place of having empathy for them, right? Yeah, because I one time was there at one point in my life, I was there and I know how shitty it feels like to be there. And in me, especially the type of person I am, I always wanna help fix people, right? Help help them be feel what I feel, right? But it's important to constantly be reminding ourselves that not everybody's ready, right? Not everybody's ready, not everybody's open to receiving what we're ready to offer. Yeah, they're on their own journey.

SPEAKER_01 19:52

They're on their own journey. And I think you have to accept that like they're on their own journey and you can't be in control of that. That's their soul's journey. They have to go through what they need to go through and have the experiences that they need to have to kind of be able to break themselves open to get to the place where they can start to see, right? Because it's like almost wasting your own energy trying to get someone to hear you or help them. Like you, it's a waste of your energy. And so it's the same thing, Gabby, like when you're talking about this experience with your daughter and these other family members, it's like it would have been a waste of your energy to get defensive. It would have been a waste of your energy to fight. It would have been a waste of your energy to you're using your own life force like in that way. Instead, like you decide to use your like you're at peace with your life force, right? It's like your own life force gets to sustain you instead of being triggered by what someone else has to say. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:57

And I mean, look, like it I've struggled so much. The thing that I've struggled the most with, I think, in my life has been my weight, being called overweight at times and being called a felon, right? A convicted felon. And to finally get to a place where for one, realized that my weight was something I carried my wounds wrapped up in. And once I was able to release that energy or begin to heal those wounds, everything just kind of started to drop, fall off. It's almost it's almost like I wore that weight as a shield to protect me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

I I love this because I've been wanting to talk to you about this, and I hope that really lands for people. That is a huge realization, like a huge. To get to the point where you see that, where you're like, wow. And know that you're almost not doing it to yourself, but like you you creating space, right? Like creating a shield or creating armor to around your wounds. So talk into that a little bit more, Gabby, because that's this makes me emotional.

SPEAKER_03 22:24

Because I lived there for so long.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Yeah.

unknown 22:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

So long. And I think I wore that weight to hide. Nobody will look at me. Nobody will approach me. No man, I don't have to worry about a man trying to look at me or come towards me. And I became invisible. I became invisible. Or so I felt right that way. Even to myself, I stopped getting myself ready. I wore black all the time. I just wore hoodies and sweatpants. I feel like it it definitely helped me hide in the corners where I didn't have to be the spotlight, right? I didn't have to take up space. Right. And the moment I realized that was when I came back from Danny Morale. That I realized that, wow, this is something I've used to shield myself, right? Kind of protect myself.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

I was gonna say I feel like keeping you safe.

SPEAKER_03 23:33

Yeah. Keeping me safe, for sure. So that nobody would look my way. And I didn't have to worry about looking in the mirror. I didn't have to worry about anything. And finally getting to a place where I could just release all of that and say I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to carry I don't want to carry all these bags. I don't want to carry all this luggage with me everywhere I go. It's time to let it go. It got me it did get me to it did serve a purpose for whatever however long it did serve a purpose. But the moment that I realized that it was time to pivot. Yeah. Time to take my power back and time to bury all these wounds. Because I decided that I was gonna plant something new and something different was gonna grow. And I decided that I I mattered, that my desires mattered, my feelings mattered, that I wanted to feel loved, not so much by others, but by myself, and that I deserved that. I do deserve that. And that I deserved to look good, not for anybody else, but for myself. And so I did I begun to do little things. And as I did little things, I wanted to do bigger things. And it took almost two years to lose all the weight and get to where I'm at now. But I've realized so many things. I've realized how people treat you different, which is really sad. It makes me really sad. So I make sure to take inventory of that. So when I come in contact with people, I take note of that and I make sure to treat everybody the same. And it's just crazy. It's just crazy, you know, how we how we mask our stuff. Some people wear masks, some people wear weight, some people And that's the key, right?

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Is like some people you can see visibly, right? Again, because when you're clued in, because you've had that experience, right? So now you're clued into that experience where most people are unaware, right? But we can wear our weight, we can wear our beauty, we could wear like our job title, right? We could wear our success. There's so many ways to cope with the wounds that we have. Weight is just more visible, it's just more visible as a visible safety, right? Coping mechanism to try to keep us almost small so that way we don't realize that we're the one doing it, right? We don't realize that we have the key to our own power, but we're keep we're so we're trying it serves a purpose, right? But then you have to unload what you're holding, right? Like what you're bearing. And that feels really good, but it also the recipe.

SPEAKER_04 26:53

Yeah, but that's also the recipe to greatness. Yeah. Being able to go back and and do what you've done.

SPEAKER_03 27:04

Because so much grows in that process, develops so much of me in the unlearning and losing all the weight. I feel like every time I lost a pound, I gained wisdom. I gained something. And so I wouldn't change absolutely anything. I think I love every part of my journey. And I can also get to a place now where I, like I said, the weight was one thing and being a convicted felon is another, and be like, yeah, I am a convicted felon. I am a convicted felon. I did do those things, but I've also reinvented myself. I've also changed the script in the book. I've also been the villain, but I've also been the hero in my own life. Story. Been my own hero. That really takes power away from that.

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Yeah. Because you own it.

SPEAKER_03 28:02

Yeah, because I own it, and also because we all make mistakes. Yeah. We all have skeletons in our closets. Some people just come to light, and some people don't. And I've learned that just doesn't make me less of a person just because I made a mistake so long ago. And I'm not gonna allow that to keep me being a prisoner in my own body, in my own mind.

SPEAKER_01 28:27

Yeah. Wow, Gabby. That's incredible. You owned those, right? Like you owned those demons, right? That's not like ghosts. Like you owned those wounds as so you they're not as in control of you, right? You're more in control of your soul, your heart is now more in control because those wounds are no longer attached. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 28:54

They're not because I've given them, I've given them the I've given those wounds the love that they need and I've honored them. I've honored them and I've held them here and been like, okay, I'm giving you the attention that you need. And I honor where you got me. Because even though I got into trouble and I did what I did, there were so many lessons in there.

SPEAKER_01 29:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:22

So many lessons. It taught me so much. It taught me humility. It taught me what it really means, what life is really about. It taught me that our rights and our life can flip like this. It taught me to appreciate the people in my life. It taught me to appreciate the things that matter in life, that money can never buy. And it taught me to appreciate my freedom above all. On bad days out here, I always tell myself, man, I'll take any bad day out here over a good day in there. And I reminded myself of that. Gabby, you can go outside and smell flowers and feel the sun right now. So don't focus on the bad right now. Go outside and do that and appreciate that because there was a time when you couldn't do that, when you were locked in a room for days and days and days and couldn't leave, couldn't see your children. And I remember being in there, that was the one thing one of the CEOs told me was like, I asked her, What's the secret to never come back? Because I would see people come back all the time, Rach, and they'd say, Oh, we'll have your your sweet right waiting waiting for you when you come back. I'd be like, Man, like, why would they want to come back?

SPEAKER_04 30:36

And she and I'd ask her, Man, what's the secret to never come back? And she told me. Secret is not to ever forget, not to ever forget what it feels like to be here.

SPEAKER_03 30:46

And so I've always made sure to never forget that. Never forget that in order to be able to appreciate my life, even on the darkest of days.

SPEAKER_01 30:57

Yeah. That there's so again, it's like the basic things are the things that are meant to be really grateful for. And it's it's again just like puts so much into perspective that we don't really need much. Everything else is a gift, if you view it that way. Like everything's a gift. And that's a training, I think, of the mind, but also of the body. Of this life is a gift, your life is a gift. The trials and the tribulations, like they're a gift to get you to a place to understand the gifts that you have. And that doesn't make this world easy because it's not, but there's always light, right? There's always things to be beauty and things to behold and to cherish. And like you get to flip that switch, I feel like, in your mind of being able to look for the mere daily miracles. And that is huge. And I think we think it's something that's small, but it's not. I think it's easy to bypass or go throughout our day and think that's something that's small. But I feel like the mind fuck really is like the small things are actually the biggest ones. Like the biggest miracles.

SPEAKER_03 32:19

Yeah, it really is. And if we can I don't know if the whole world can get to a place where they can see that. See that like in actuality, like you not having that house, would it matter if you lost your family? Would it matter if you didn't have food on the table? Would it matter if you didn't have your health?

SPEAKER_02 32:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:44

Would you still be so preoccupied on wanting that brand new house? If you didn't have your health.

SPEAKER_02 32:52

Yeah.

unknown 32:53

No.

SPEAKER_03 32:54

It wouldn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 32:55

It's always like when you're sick, I feel like and you're not feeling well. For me, it's always like that reminder of your health is so important. And essentially, like everything we're talking about is about like health. Having a relationship to yourself is a healthy thing, is a part of your health, is a part of you living a healthy life. Like the new house not necessarily is, yes, we can want things, and we all do, right? Like it's Christmas time right now. I feel like it's what are what's on your Christmas list? And what do you want to get? And you we get so wrapped up in like gifts and buying things, but like it's the things to celebrate are like the small things, right? Actually. And coming back to those beautiful, like meaning, like actually has meaning. I think that's the point. And this is why I'm really happy to do this with you, because what has meaning. And we're just not very, I think, surface level because there's no like that's I want the meaning out of life. I want the meaning. Want the depth. Correct.

SPEAKER_03 34:04

And I think you're if I want to be able to squeeze all the juices out.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

I want a juicy, like, I want to be able to feel, right? Like I want to feel the joy, the happiness.

SPEAKER_03 34:18

That's a double-edged sword.

SPEAKER_01 34:19

Oh, for sure. But like I think that's a part of the self-acceptance and the self-intimacy, is I wouldn't like you're talking about, I wouldn't give that feeling away for the world because I do want to feel like the depths of my pain and the depths of the joy, right? Like I if I have to feel the pain in order to feel the joy and be able to have me the meaning and really truly feel, then I would take that, right? Like I there's not much I would change in my story either, because it gives you that ripeness of life, right? It like gets you to the place where you're thankful and grateful for the little things.

SPEAKER_03 34:59

Right. But it's like it's been kind of like a school, right? It's been something that you've learned. And I think I said this the last episode, but I said I feel like life up until the last couple years has been a lot of research, a lot of a species of lots of learning to finally be now at the place where I can enjoy life, simple life, just for what it is. Just for sitting here on the couch and having the sun hit me and enjoy that.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

Present.

SPEAKER_03 35:34

Yeah. A lot more presence in my life. Yeah, when I'm driving, like the little things. I like going to the grocery store and buying myself some peonies and putting them in the vase and just observing them every day, bloom and just being in awe of that.

SPEAKER_01 35:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:54

Because everything has a rebirth process. Everything. Flowers, trees, everything. And we do too. We all we are all part of it. And to think of that and feel it, feel like I sit here sometimes, and I know I've told you this, and I think like I can actually feel the blood pumping through my veins. I take the time to feel my heart and feel it pumping. Feel my breath and feel these things, like really feel them. And what does it mean? Like just explore that.

SPEAKER_02 36:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:34

Explore what does that deep breath mean? What am I thinking about right now? What is that connected to? What emotion is that connected to? Just be really present.

SPEAKER_01 36:45

Because you're that tuned in, right? You're that tuned in, you're that tapped in. And again, for me, that is a sense of you have an intimacy with yourself, right?

SPEAKER_02 36:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:55

That's having a relationship with your senses, your life, right? Like your body, your self, right? Like your sense of self. And you're present. And to me, like in that presence, that's what is like well, like I feel like there's this like soft like trend, right? Oh, I want like a soft life, or the softness, right? To me, that's what that means. Is that you're present enough to like have this sense of yourself and this sense of how is this all connected? Or feeling all of the connection and having a relationship to that connection. And I don't think it can get deeper than that.

SPEAKER_03 37:40

And being grateful for those things, being grateful for those things, because there will be a day when my heart doesn't pump anymore and I can't take a deep breath. So being able to be grateful for those moments when you can acknowledge that's what you have right now. And that is also a gift.

SPEAKER_02 37:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:57

So self-intimacy is so many things. And it starts from this, right? From being able to have this connection with yourself, with your body, with your presence, all the way to sex. And what is sex? It's spiritual, it's what does it stand for? Spiritual embodiment exchange. Spiritual embodiment exchange. So even when you're having self-intimacy, right? Self-intimate, when you're being intimate, having sex with yourself, that's what you're doing. And I've just recently learned that, you know, why that is so sacred, right? And that's why. Because when you are having sex with another person, you are actually having an exchange, right? An energy, spiritual energy exchange. That's what it is. There's an energy between you. And so you've got to be very careful who you decide to do that with because there's an exchange.

SPEAKER_01 38:59

Sure.

SPEAKER_03 39:00

But there's also power in doing it yourself.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

I feel like we've opened such like a box today of self-intimacy. So I feel like we should have like multiple episodes on this because this is such a spectrum, right? Of what because I could talk about sex because I find this fascinating. And like you said, I've always really felt like it is an exchange. And that it is important to like ha honor that exchange, that it's not just like you're using each other to get off. I find that to be very close transactional. Exactly. And I don't know. I find that that makes me sad for like people. Like you have such an opportunity to like be deep and explore and to like just to be on the surface level of that is is I don't know. I find that to be sad, but like shallow. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 40:03

It's shallow. It's like living in the 3D world. That's it. It's like it's shallow. There's no, and I found that honestly, for me, it has been so hard to understand why like I can't really orgasm or all these things. And I finally understood that this is why. Like I need stimulation, mental stimulation, emotional stimulation. It's not just about the transaction. Yeah, I'm such an emotional being that what really lights me up and turns me on is that the other person sees you and has debt and has there's a connection, emotional connection, mental connection, and we can talk about these things. And that's really what the stimul where the stimulation happens.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

I'm exactly the same. And also I'm not surprised by this.

SPEAKER_03 41:01

Because And I can't just be like, oh, just because a guy is good looking, I'm wanna have I'll I'll be able to have sex that doesn't work for me at all.

SPEAKER_01 41:09

Me neither. And I never under, I never understood because I'm just not that way. People are different, and that's okay too. But for me, there is so much like that's involved, right? Like it's I'm you're getting the closest to me possible in this sex. You're as deep as we can go with another person. And like the magic of that, I feel like, is in the relationship and is in the energy, is in the, like you said, the stimulation. And it, I feel like it can just be such a beautiful thing. And like to do such a, it's like doing a bit of a discredit of what can really happen and like the depths that you can go to when you just stay on the surface level. But it's also what we've been sold to, right? It's again, all of these is like we're all like kind of like just on the surface of life because that's what we've been exposed to and almost conditioned to be on the surface. And I think the pain, like how we started this conversation, the pain, the triggers, the wounds, sends you on a deep fucking inward journey. And once you take that journey, it's like you can't ever unsee, you can't ever go back, you can't like, and like again, we progress and we regress. Like, I guess you can, but like the full pit, like you never fully go back, right? We're always moving forward and you always can go deeper. And there's always more things to explore. And so again, I'm very excited to have more of the sex conversation because I think also for the feminine, we are so much more in tune to our emotions. Like it is an emotional and a spiritual and a physical exchange. And I'm the same way. Like, I don't just get turned on just because someone's good looking, or I don't get lit up. I don't get sparked, I don't get energy, I don't get stimulation just from the physical. Like it has there is a metaphysical like that has to be going on. And that is sacred. And you want someone else to understand that sacredness with you, to honor that, to have reverence for it. Like to me, it's the reverence. That's what makes it so juicy. It's like you both can honor the reverence of whatever's going on between us, like how beautiful, how lucky, how unique. It's unique.

SPEAKER_03 43:41

I mean, you don't just have these connections with anybody. It takes a certain person, it takes a person to almost be on the journey, right? Because they have to have emotional maturity, they have to have emotional intelligence, they have to have emotional intimacy, they have to have these things in order to. To understand and that in itself, for me, like even if the individual isn't that attractive, like I'm not, it's not my type of like attractiveness. That to me makes them so much more attractive because that is what I am attracted to. It's not the physical, it is the emotional and the depth of them. That is what makes me be like, okay, let's do this. And sometimes even the conversations are better than sex. Sometimes the conversations are better than sex. And I've always thought something was wrong with me because I'm like, like I've heard I've been in rooms with women who talk about all these crazy adventures they've been on and all these like sexual things they've done and how like they have all these orgasms. And I'm like, wow, I must just be really inexperienced because I've only been with I've only been with one man my entire life, pretty much. And it's maybe it's just that, but it's only this last year that I've realized it's not that. It's that the fact that unfortunately, the man that I'm that I was married, that I that I've spent all my life with, there's no connection there. There's no emotional connection, there's no depth, there's no, there's lack of emotional intelligence, emotional maturity, right? And that just doesn't do anything for me.

SPEAKER_01 45:26

So, Gabby, can I ask you a question? And then again, I think we should do the next episode all about just and like a journey to get to this place because I find this to be very interesting. And I think we're in the same spot. Is this like a women's circle like that you're in where you hear these experiences? Like what is what does that look like?

SPEAKER_03 45:45

It was a women's circle, it was a women's circle, well, so we had a women's circle, and then after the women's circle was over, we all sat around for a little while and they started talking about they started talking about like blowjobs and stuff like that. And so they were all joking around, and one girl was like, Have you ever been to the exchange room? And the other girls, oh, I know what you're talking about. That's that place in the city. And I was like, What's an exchange room? And I had no idea what it was, and they started talking about how it was this place where you go, and like you can have all these different experiences. Okay, and there's you can go in this room with the this man, or you can go and see this man undress and do these things, or you can go in this other room, like all these different crazy things. And I'm like, what? Like I've seen this in movies, yeah, but like I've never in my like I'm like, this is what? This is real, and they're like, oh my gosh, it's so dope. Like I had this many orgasms, and I'm like, with a stranger? And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, and when they said that, I was just like, oh, and I didn't say anything anymore because I felt so out of place. I just felt, oh, I'm gonna shut up because I'm gonna look stupid. That's the way I felt. And I just listened to them talk and talk about all these things, and it was so normalized for them. Where I was over here, I'm older than all these women, and I have no clue about what they're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 47:18

Yeah, vulnerable.

SPEAKER_03 47:19

I have no clue about what they they're talking about. And as I continue to talk to them over time, I realized again, like how shallow all of that is. It's all transactional. I and for me, this is sacred.

SPEAKER_01 47:36

Well, that's what turns you on. What I find interesting is I wonder, but that's a different experience, right? So like they're able to orgasm and like view pleasure on and have that level of pleasure on um on a very body transactional way. And I don't know I don't want to I don't want to view that as wrong. It's just different.

SPEAKER_03 48:00

No, no, no. It's just it's just not for me. That's all it is, right? Agreed. Like there's different parts of so everybody's different, right? Everybody has like different sexual preferences. Like it doesn't mean that you're wrong. That's not what I'm saying at all. That I want to make that very clear. I'm just saying that's when I realized that I was different. Right.

SPEAKER_01 48:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 48:21

When it comes to sex, you know.

SPEAKER_01 48:24

And so, and I don't think you were saying it was wrong. I also am just very similar. And so I guess like maybe one time we could have a woman on here who like is that way. Cause I want to dive into their brain and what's their body experience? Like, what what is their experience? What are they thinking? What are they feeling? What does turn them on? Like, why does it turn you know what I mean? That's where my brain goes. Because I'm very much the same as you. And I yeah, and so I just I find that to be very in again, like sex is just so curious because it is there's so much at play, like in those moments.

SPEAKER_03 49:03

And so I'm very excited to dive into all of the I can't wait to talk about it more because I also want to talk about Tantra and all this other stuff.

SPEAKER_01 49:13

Yeah. And I think it would be fun too if you have anyone like in your women's circle or someone that like you would want want to bring on. So we can have another like a third person to like talk to or about this, or if you know someone who's interested in Tantra, or is it Tantra teacher, advocate, whatever? Because again, I do think that this is a part of your health, right? Like it's a part of your being, it's a part of your experience and your relationship and your devotion, like to yourself. And I think what we're talking about, Gabby, is that we just got to the point, because I always felt this way, going, and I you got married how at what age?

SPEAKER_04 49:54

When I was 21, 22 years old, somewhere around there.

SPEAKER_01 50:00

Yeah. So you at 21, 22, married to one man and having those experiences. I met my husband when I was 16. And another layer of this is also, I think, we have to go into at some point is the sexual trauma, which is also a part of this conversation. And so me and my husband broke up when we were in college and I was having other experiences because, but also like at that age where you're in college and people are exploring sex and having sex with a lot of different people, but I always felt like out of place because it's again what you're told to do or like shown as what you should be doing at that age, I guess. But it's I just never enjoyed it because it's just so shallow. And then you get to the point where you want to honor, you have to honor your feelings, right? And you have to honor your body and you have more reverence for it. And I just view it that way as an exchange, and it's just interesting. But everybody is allowed to be different in that regard. But you just again on this journey of self-discovery, you all like, hey, that I am different. Like, that's awesome. You have those experiences. My experiences are these. So I think we just get to open the door to women who do have a deeper, who do need a deeper sense of intimacy. And that's okay, right? There's nothing wrong with and I and as you're talking right now, I realize that I felt this way at a very young age.

SPEAKER_03 51:24

I remember feeling in even in high school, like girls were would talk about how they were having sex with one person and then another, and so and stuff. And I just remember feeling like that just never felt right to me.

SPEAKER_01 51:38

Me too.

SPEAKER_03 51:39

And I thought it was because of the programming. I thought it was because of my morals and ethics, and I that's what I've always thought. That's why it didn't feel right to me. And now looking back, I realize that it's not. It's just not who I never I was never that person. I always needed something more to be able to do that. And I was with my kid's dad, I've been with since I was I think I was 15, 14, 14, 94, since 94, 1994. So and even with him, I it was not something that happened right away. It took a long time. It took a long time to even be intimate with him. But yeah, I I've always really struggled to feel like what everybody else says they feel.

SPEAKER_01 52:31

Me too. Me too. And so I will again like I want to dive into that more. So I feel like we should put a pin in that for the next episode because I feel exactly the same way. But it's been a pleasure, Gav. It has, it always is. It is, and like I love spending my Sunday mornings with you. And so, listeners, thanks for being here. And Gab, thanks for talking with me and getting deep and sharing your emotions. And again, I feel like we opened up a big conversation that we can have like conversations off of. Because again, I think the weight and the mask and like that is so powerful. Holy shit, Gab, like that's just so powerful. And so I am interested or in that process, right? Of all the unlayering. So I love you. Thanks for being here. Love you, Range. Have a wonderful Sunday. You too. What up, y'all? We are so thankful and excited that you're here. If you're loving the show, feeling the show, please think about sharing it with a friend who could also get something out of it. We're also asking for your help. If you could rate the show or write a review, that way we can grow and expand together. Reach the right people who need and are meant to hear this message. I know it's super easy not to do it, but every single rating and review helps this show grow so much. We appreciate it more than you know. Thanks so much for supporting Relentlessly Authentic. This is raw unfiltered conversations on healing, identity shifts, nervous system regulation, and the messy middles that crack you open and change everything. New episodes every Wednesday.